Mother - Instinct
“Instinct: the way people or animals naturally react or behave, without having to think or learn about it.”
Photo: Eye for Ebony @ Unsplash
As part of a new way of working, I am beginning to explore all the different ways we are as mothers - all the different things we do, all the different things we learn (without noticing) and all the ways we deserve recognition and celebration. First up in this series ‘Mother’ is an exploration of INSTINCT.
What does it mean to you to be instinctive as a mother?
Pause.
Take a moment to think about that.
Commonly associated with our intuition (our felt sense of something) our instincts are those natural responses or reactions to the world - that are often unlearned, often unconscious.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our intuitive powers as women - as mothers - and quite how honed they become when we become parents. As a coach, I often meet women who want to find some kind of clarity, some kind of certainty, only to realise that there is no extra piece of the jigsaw required, no extra training or knowledge to acquire, nothing missing. Except a trust in their instincts about what is right or wrong for them.
As mothers I think our intuitive powers come into their own. There is no manual, no rule book (well - except all those societal, unwritten rules that get communicated about what ‘motherhood’ should look like) and no feedback loop that tells you (or even celebrates) the job you are doing in the face of the hardest thing you might ever do.
We rely on our instincts - and are probably using them all the time without noticing how sharp they really are. Your child is a bit ‘off’. That’s your instinct talking. There’s a subtle developmental shift that causes ripples in your family that requires you to handle change sensitively. That’s finely tuned instincts at work. Knowing that something might or might not work - that hunch you have to cancel an event, or take control in a different way. A lot of the work of a mother is instinctive.
Also as a coach, I find it bewildering too how many mothers trust their instincts for their children, their partners, their families - and yet rarely trust their instincts for themselves - about the choices that would be best for them. Somewhere along the way, we have lost faith in our own instincts, and have relied too heavily on what other people think, gauging what society expects or how they might please or impress others.
So what is going on here?
On the one hand, our instinctive urges become well honed as a mother - our senses in pregnancy become sharp, our primitive urges to protect and nurture our young are strong - and yet when it comes to our own needs, we are often not able to identify, let alone listen and respond to, our own intuitive thoughts and feelings.
Clear
But to be clear - about what you want, what you need, or what feels right or wrong - requires us to recognise, listen to and have faith in our instincts. Especially when we are presented with a binary choice, or a number of options (each with thei own pros and cons) - our instincts will be the only thing that guides the decision effectively.
What would life be like if we could tune into our own instinctive needs as quickly and as proactively as we do to our children’s?
Would we suffer from indecision or a lack of confidence, if we could consult and then use our own guidance tools - as definitely as if we were making decisions for our children? We know what is best for them. Yet we sometimes we find it hard to know (or at least work out and express) what is best for ourselves.
Some coaching questions
Here are some reflective questions to get your instinctive juices flowing… Don’t think too hard (that would be your rational mind kicking into action). Instead, feel your way to an answer.
Take your time.
Pause.
Give your instincts time to be heard.
What is it that needs some clarity in your life? Try to filter out the noise and focus on this concern in its purest form. What do you want to think, feel or do differently?
What do you intuitively think or feel about this concern in your life?
Do you know what you intuitively need - without the rational mind telling you whether it is possible (or not)?
What does it feel like to employ your instincts to help guide you?
What do you need to think, feel or know to be sure you can trust your instincts?
Have your instincts let you down before? If so, what was the outcome?
How could you instincts help you to get to a point of clarity?