Barbara Fredrickson on LOVE
One of the best bits of psychological theory and experimentation to come out of the Positive Psychology movement (the foundations of coaching, by and large), is Barbara Fredrickson’s work on POSITIVITY.
In her book (details below) she outlines 10 positive states that bring about different sorts of positive outcome - but blended together, account for her ‘broaden and build’ theory - the idea that with positivity, you are able to broaden your view of the world, and build (create, innovate, play - you decide how to interpret that!). Negativity, on the other hand, shuts down our thinking and reduces our options.
One of these states is our friend LOVE. And she has some great things to say about it. I am going to share two pieces of her writing here: one about HUGS (that simple thing you can do, everyday, to improve your health and well being for yourself and your hugee) and the Loving-Kindness meditation (a kind of meditation that helps create warm, compassionate thoughts towards your self and others).
At the end, I share with you my dear friend Selene Collin’s Loving Kindness meditation for you to have a go at yourself.
Barbara Friedrickson on Hugs
Something you might get from and give to another
Let’s talk about love. How do you know your partner loves you? Words can tell, but don’t you find that hugs tell more? Think of the last time you had a long, close hug from your partner. Not that quick hug you use to say hello or goodbye. That’s merely a full-body equivalent of a peck on the cheek. I mean a real heart-to-heart hug. You and your partner wrap your arms around each other and hold on tight. This kind of hug lasts closer to a minute than a second. When I need a hug like this, I tell my husband, “I need to be plugged in.” That’s how reenergising I find our real heart-to-heart hugs to be. Maybe you’ve felt that too.
I had lunch recently with Kathleen Light, an internationally acclaimed scientist who has done ground-breaking work on how hugs and other forms of physical affection affect our health. What she’s discovered is that loving touch does all kinds of good for your body. And the effects are not just momentary. Any single hug is unlikely to change your physical makeup. Rather, people who get hugs like this often – every day – actually have higher circulating levels of oxytocin (a healthy neuropeptide) and lower blood pressure than everybody else. These findings are fully compatible with experimental studies of animals, and how of humans too. Animals stroked lovingly on their bellies over a stretch of days come to have higher oxytocin and lower blood pressure compared with untouched animals. So do [partners] whose spouses have learned how to touch their partners’ head, neck, and shoulders in loving ways.
Through frequent close body contact, then, love literally gets under your skin, making you healthier. What I love about Kathy Light’s findings about jugs is that they mirror the build of positivity. Although any single hug – or moment of positivity – is unlikely to change your life, the slow and steady accumulation of hugs – or positivity – makes a huge difference. So find a way to increase your daily dose of genuine, heart-to-heart, hang-on-tight hugs. You will not only give and receive good feelings, but over time, you’ll give and receive good health.
Barbara Fredrickson on Loving Kindness Meditation
Something you can do all by yourself
Whereas the practice of mindfulness meditation opens your mind, other age-old meditation practices seem to more directly unlock your heart. Practicing these other forms of meditation helps you experience your connections with others, bringing forth the deep and heartfelt positivity of community.
I described in Chapter 5 what I’ve come to call my Open Heart study. Whereas most Western science on meditation has centred on mindfulness meditation, I chose to investigate the effects of a cousin technique, loving-kindness meditation. I was initially attracted to loving-kindness meditation because it more directly aims to evoke positive emotions, especially within the context of our relationships. Along the way, we uncover a lot about the emotional repercussions of initiating a practice of loving-kindness meditation. Here i describe how to begin experimenting with it yourself.
Loving-kindness meditation is a technique used to increase feelings of warmth and caring for self and others. Like mindfulness, loving-kindness evolved from ancient Buddhist mind-training practices. Each practice involves quiet contemplation in a seated posture, often with eyes closed and an initial focus on the breath, but I loving-kindness meditation you aim to train your emotions towards warm, tender and compassionate feelings in an openhearted way. You direct those warm and tender feelings first to yourself, and then to an ever-widening circle of others.
Practicing loving-kindness is not a magic bullet to the heart that unfailingly makes your positivity soar. Still, the positivity generated by this form of meditation practice accounts for a wide sweep of benefits in people’s lives – from improved abilities to savour and be mindful, to having an easier time accepting themselves, finding positive meaning, and trusting others. Practitioners even suffer fewer aches, pains, colds and flus. Practicing loving-kindness helps people move the riverbed for their day-to-day emotions to higher ground. Ultimately, they become less depressed and more satisfied with life as a whole.
