Learning how to say ‘no’.

Do you find yourself - in any or all areas of your life - say ‘yes’ before you’re entirely sure whether it will work for you and your family? Do you even find it hard to say ‘no’, even in informal settings?

Do you sometimes identify as a ‘people pleaser’ and find yourself wanting to say yes to get a positive reaction from others - and fear a negative reaction with a ‘no’, as if you might be letting them down? Do you struggle to amend your plans, even when you know it would be better for you if you did?

There are some important reasons to say no sometimes:

• You’re already too busy and there is not enough time - you are not being honest about your own availability

• Good as it would be to be able to say yes, in fact your needs need to be met in other ways - such as an evening of rest, rather than going out to meet friends

• You can end up engaged in situations and relationships that don’t serve you well, or are not fulfilling in ways your need

• You get a sense of feeling out of control of your own diary - and it can lead to overwhelm. You might also be saying ‘yes’ on behalf of your children, and their schedule suddenly seems packed too.

But there often feel like as potent reasons for saying ‘yes’:

• You want to avoid conflict or don’t like to appear rude or ungrateful

• We don’t want to disappoint someone else and let them feel let down

• We want to feel accepted and included, and we have a fear of missing out

• We want to give others the (false) impression that we are able to do everything, that we are unstoppable

Some of the underlying psychological mechanisms at play

Below is a summary from the ‘Intelligent Change’ website about some of the psychology we may not even be aware of.

“According to Eric Berne, the creator of Transactional Analysis, one of the most prominent schools of psychotherapy in western countries, humans have three so-called “ego states”:

• Parent;

• Adult;

• Child.

The Parent ego state contains all the moral lessons and behaviours we’ve learned from our parents. The Child refers to behavioural patterns from our childhood we keep repeating today, while the Adult contains our capacity to act rationally, be responsible, assess our environment, and make decisions.

As we interact with people, we switch between ego states and take various social roles.

Those with a dominant Parent ego state often become “Rescuers”, believing they are responsible for other people, and that their duty is to help everyone, so they don’t allow themselves to say “no”.

People who spend a lot of time in the Child ego state can become “People pleasers”. Their inability to say “no” probably originates from their never-ending desire to please their critical parents.

Although both Parent and Child ego states have their beauties and are responsible for our moral compass, playfulness, and creativity, spending too much time outside of the Adult ego state can have negative implications on our lives, and one of them is the inability to say “no”.

Affirmation, Acceptance, Approval

Below is a great 16 minute TED talk by Dr. Caryn Aviv about what happens when we seek affirmation, acceptance and approval from outside of ourselves, and why saying ‘no’ is a life long lesson worth learning.

So many reasons we say ‘yes’ are seemingly involuntary or entrenched stories about our value and worth in other people’s eyes. But here, Dr. Aviv talks about the liberating effects of saying ‘no’ and what it can offer you in life when you learn how to do it with confidence.

She offers a manifesto for saying no, including the following mantras to remember when you are struggling! I think they are a good list of reminders to help us tune in and ensure we are meeting our needs whenever possible.

• I have more choices than it seems, including ‘no’

• I will be truthful and authentic to myself and others

• I will ask directly for what I need

• I will live without resentment

• I will honour my need for rest

• I will not apologise for saying no

• I will not compromise my integrity to please others

• I will not say yes in ways that undermine my own power

• I will take time if I feel ambivalent