Love Languages
Below is a summary of the main ideas in Gary Chapman’s 1992 best selling book - The 5 Love Languages. It describes the basic idea behind each of the 5 languages, and some activities you might have a go at to incorporate this vocabulary into your intimate relationships.
These languages are different vehicles for communicating love - both giving and receiving. The overarching idea is that we all follow universal patterns of communicating our love, that broadly fall into these five categories: Words of affirmation, Quality time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical touch. In intimate relationships, we might have different languages of love, wherein some of our relational tensions and challenges lie.
At the bottom is a link to a summary of this idea from Carol Bruess, Relationship Researcher - and her entertaining TED talk from 2019. It actually made me laugh out loud - not many TED talks do that!
The Five Love Languages
No.1: Words of Affirmation
William James, psychologist, claimed that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated.
· Verbal compliments, words of appreciation – great motivators and powerful communicators of love
· Encouraging words – for an interest that they already have, rather than something you would like them to do; it requires empathy and shares belief in the other
· Kind Words – words said with kindness are easily to hear and respond to, whatever they actually say
· Humble words – making requests, not demands
· Talking about them positively to others when they are not there
Activity 1: Share with someone else when words had a profound impact on your life – positively or negatively. Words are important.
Activity 2: A compliment a day: especially with partners or children
Activity 3: Write a love letter or communicate your love to someone important to you, and who would like to hear or read your words.
No.2: Quality Time
Giving someone your undivided attention, engaged with each other, creating a secure space for trust and love
· Quality activities: Doing things that you enjoy, for the sake of doing something together, creating shared memories
· Quality attention: shorter bursts of attention with focus, are better than longer periods without.
· Quality conversation – sympathetic dialogue where two people are sharing their thoughts, their feelings, their desires.
· Ask ‘what do you need – a solution or a listening ear?’
· Learn to talk by sharing something of yourself.
· Put down the phone. Simple. Manage distractions.
Top tips for focused attention:
· Maintain eye contact when you are speaking
· Don’t be distracted by something else at the same time
· Listen for feelings
· Observe body language
· Refuse to interrupt
Activity 1: notice your own emotional states and be prepared to share your experiences with others. To start: write down events from your day with a corresponding list of emotions. Notice the language you use about your own emotions, and the nuances as they appear.
Activity 2: Minimum daily share. Give time to share three things that happened to you and how you felt about them; then swap and listen while your partner shares.
Activity 3: Complete the following sentence: “I feel most loved by …………….. when…………..”
No.3 Receiving Gifts
A gift is a visual symbol of love that demonstrates that someone else was thinking of you.
· Gifts do not need to be expensive; some of the best gifts in life are free (or handmade)
· The gift of your self or your presence – especially if this is the most valuable gift to the other, and especially in times of crisis
· At the heart of love is the spirit of giving – reliably so across cultures, time and geography
Activity 1: Reflect on ways to provide gifts, even if money is tight
Activity 2: give your loved one a gift every day for a week. The task of focusing on that person and finding a way to demonstrate that will be more than the gift itself.
Activity 3: offer your presence as a gift or find ways to do things for others that would help them out. Generosity does not need to cost money and is beneficial for both giver and receiver.
No.4: Acts of Service
Acts that require thought, planning, time, effort and energy – for the benefit of another.
· This might include domestic chores, managing life admin, offering to help with something, childcare, or cleaning out your car.
· These are things that you might not view as your job to do, but in doing them would be of great benefit to someone else.
· In doing these acts of service for someone else, they feel loved and their time is valued – simply by recognising and responding in small ways to what they need.
· Our habits and needs change over time, and so what we can expect of each other should also recalibrate.
· Coercion or demands are not loving; in fact, they breed resentment and fear
· Stereotypes and assumptions about who does what around the house might need challenging
Activity 1: make a list of 3-5 small acts of service that you would like someone to do for you, that would be meaningful to you and would demonstrate their love towards you in the doing of them. Invite a list of 5 things from them in return and reciprocate. Ensure you find a way to complete these small tasks.
Activity 2: Many acts of service refer to the environment you might share with someone. What are some non-household-chore acts of service that your loved one would appreciate?
Activity 3: Consider ways to involve other people (including your children!), transform a to-do list into potential surprises for others, or inject some music or fun into your acts of service. They do not need to be boring or unpleasant.
No. 5: Physical Touch
Longstanding psychological research has proven that babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life that those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is a human need.
· How your loved one appreciates physical contact may be different to your own needs. Find out what they like. You need to learn their language.
· Our physical needs all differ and knowing what we want for ourselves is as important as what others want from us.
· Both implicit and explicit communication might be needed to understand each other’s language (or dialect) of touch.
· We all have a need for intimacy, and physical intimacy can be a powerful communicator of love, trust, respect and connection.
Activity 1: Recall some non-sexual moments of touch that enhanced intimacy between you and a loved one. What made these times special?
Activity 2: Find opportunities for touch that feel safe and appreciated. Look for them, and notice what it does to the person you love when you make them happen.
Activity 3: Don’t underestimate the power of a hug. Apparently (no source – sorry!) hugs that last for 20 seconds or more help bring out the dopamine and oxytocin that make us feel good, eliminate stress and help us breathe well.