Letters to my daughters (June): INVITE

Photo: Idin Ebrahimi @ Unsplash

To my darling girl,

When did it change? It happened imperceptibly, but something has definitely changed.

Once, it wouldn’t matter who it was, but the moment someone other than our immediate family stepped foot over the threshold of our home – it would send you into a violent rage. It sent you spinning out. Furious and offended.

And now – not so much.

Now, you welcome others into our home. You know how it works and you look forward to a play date. Sure, adult visitors must still prove their worth in our space – but you’ll share our home more readily and make them feel welcome by chatting and hanging out.

So, what changed?

Before, perimeters were breached. Boundaries were intruded upon and I could feel the heat you felt when someone encroached your space. Fire warnings! Alarm bells sounded! Your sense of self and safety – your outline, your threshold, your unit – was solid and clear. And any breach of that was unconscionable.

And now, your space is more open. You are more open. You are able to see value in others sharing with you your space, your toys, your sister. You are more fluid about what comes in and out. You invite more and resist less.

Another thing I have noticed is your willingness to do things because your besties are doing it too: packed lunch on a Monday, gymnastics classes, wearing your hair in a bob. These are all things you want to do now that there’s a culture you want to be part of. You want to join your tribe. I get it. Your own boundaries – for good – are beginning to widen and you are letting things into your life that felt painful to experience before.

So those boundaries that were so firm before seem to have loosened.

And what next? In this phase of experimenting – how will it continue? What will work best for you?

And I ask because I have spent my lifetime trying to understand what my own boundaries are – what or who I choose to invite in, and what I need to keep out. I have people-pleased my way through adulthood in a way that now seems uncomfortable and short-sighted – really doing me no favours whatsoever. I have not been aware I can even choose! I have been caught in a ‘response’ mode, rather than defining where my boundaries are and what they need to be.

My value seemed dependent on doing the right thing, appeasing others, managing appearances. It was all outside of myself. But how wrong I have been – what a lie I was sold! Sure – fitting in (as you are trying on for size now) is an important social and survival strategy. I get it. But none of my ‘fitting in’ should have been at the expense of the very essential version of me that sits, comfortably now, in this skin. At this time. In this space. I didn’t realise how compromised that version of myself had become until I was truly loved by your Dad, and free of the constraints caused by some relationships that held me hostage (my Dad, for one).

Your value, my darling, is also in you. Within that beautiful outline you fought so hard to protect when you were younger, are the essential ingredients that make you so very special. It is worth protecting, but it is also a gift worth sharing, and so the loosening of your borders is a treat that excites me – and that others should be grateful for and respect. I long for others to see you throw your head back and roar with laughter, like I see here at home (but nowhere else). I am excited to share the parts of you that you have so far kept hidden protected, quiet.

So what’s the answer? How fiercely should we protect our boundaries – and how permeable do we make them? I so respected your ferocious glares when you were younger and your fury as you willed guests to leave. Really, I did! It wasn’t comfortable to watch, but I respected it.

I also respect the ease you are finding to want to fit in, find your place, feel like you belong. What is happening is entirely natural and I am watching you feel this way in this minefield of social nuance.

But please don’t let those tendencies override your instinctive need to protect what is most precious and most valuable inside. Know yourself. Know what you need. And be prepared to shut up shop if you feel compromised by others who might not respect your boundaries as much as they should.

You are the gift. You are packaged perfectly and your form holds all the magic it needs. Let it out to those who treat you with care. But know too how to protect and keep yourself safe if need be.

I love you inside and out, and it is nothing less than a privilege when you let me in and allow me to stay for a while. I know this will change as you grow older: one day your borders will be designed to keep me at a distance. And so for now, I want to savour every drop while I can.

Your loving Mama x