Letters to my daughters (May): TEND
My darling girls,
In summary:
Putting the play dough away.
Sorting out the washing (some of which needs to go back into the machine because it’s started to smell after not putting put out to dry quickly enough)
Picking up the coats and shoes left scattered on the dining room floor when we came in from the playground.
Making up the bed for Marc who has come to stay.
Remembering to call, then calling my sister about what happened with her kids today.
Finding a pin for the pin board so I don’t lose the party invitation that escaped your book bag when you came home from school.
Getting the stock out of the freezer so I can make soup tomorrow.
Writing a note to myself about a work meeting before it slips my mind completely as we head into the weekend.
And that’s just the last 10 minutes. The juggle, my darlings, is real.
I have never felt I sacrificed anything to become your mother. I was old enough to realise, and clear enough to want you, that I knew having children would be a new chapter, one to relish and commit to. I made a choice and I was lucky enough to have that choice fulfilled.
But the daily juggle - that plate spinning, hoop jumping, relentless juggle - is real.
And just so you know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. But it’s one of those things that other parents don’t talk about when you are a woman without children. Either you have not yet had children and maybe other parents assume you might be put off by lashings of exhausted resentment. Or maybe you can’t or don’t want children – in which case, there is always the discomfort in complaining about something much wanted by others, or ‘chosen’ in other people’s view.
Whatever the circumstances, the (working) motherhood juggle – let alone the demands of being a parent full stop – is real and difficult. And very much a taboo.
So I’m telling you now, my darlings, that without a doubt parenting is the hardest and most full on thing I have ever done. That doesn’t detract from the utter joy and beauty of it. It has turned me inside out with its brilliance. But it seems absurd not to discuss this aspect of it with you, and not to anticipate it in advance if you ever want to have children yourselves.
Importantly, because this juggle, this difficulty, is real – and no one talks about it – there goes with it a sense of guilt (particular to mothers, it seems… although I’d be interested to be told otherwise) about finding the time and space in that juggle for our own needs. We expect ourselves to be able to cope, to know, to be on top of things. So when we are not – it must be some failing in ourselves, rather than fault lines lurking in the extreme challenge of modern parenting.
We need to pay attention to what we need, without guilt or a sense of failure, so that we can be the best mothers we can to you lot. So thank you for being patient when I ask for some space, or close a door to indicate I need some time on my own.
This evening, a Friday after a busy week at school, you were both tired. I knew you were tired because everything I said you snapped at. I knew what you needed better than you did – to have some dinner, curl up with a book and get a good night’s sleep. As your mother, at the age you are, I still have a pretty good handle on what might be best for you.
But that is changing. And as soon as possible you need to notice your needs for yourself – so that you can sense them, manage them and meet them, fully versed in the triggers that remind you to act.
Somewhere along the way, we have to learn what we need for ourselves. We need to know ourselves. So that when under pressure or facing an uphill battle of some kind – we know how to resource ourselves properly. We also need to be able to enjoy, relish and take pleasure when it comes – and to not feel remotely guilty about that. It is essential!
I don’t think I know all my own needs, but along the way, I have discovered an increasingly clear sense of what they are. Sometimes your dad will remind me. Sometimes my diary reminds me that I am about to have my period. But I am not always aware that I am under-resourced, low on capacity, below-par. In fact, it often feels like the norm.
Self-regulation is the heart of self-care. Learning how to notice, then tend to our needs – both big and small – is an act of radical and necessary self-care. It is also the baseline to bigger challenges like self-love and self-compassion – tending to the most basic in our hierarchy of needs.
And if I can do that for myself, I can love and look after you better – and send you the message that one day, you’ll need to do that for yourself. Self care is not selfish, as you might learn. Self care is necessary so that we can do all we need to do.
A good habit has emerged in our family, of encouraging time on our own – to find the space you might need to let out frustration, feel some privacy, or process something. I know that you, littlest one, sometimes ask for ‘me time’ as a way of getting to choose exactly what you want to watch on the ipad – without interruption (cheeky). But I think it’s worth indulging – because for you to notice that some down time to yourself is precious and worth asking for, is also pretty good for a 4-year-old.
So at the end of the insane number of tasks I need to wade through each and every 10 minutes of every single day as a working parent – I must add to that list the ways I resource myself to be able to keep up, and be the best mummy I can to you two.
Its ok to ask for space and time to re-energise. It wouldn’t be possible to parent in this face-paced, lightning-strike of an existence if we didn‘t know how to tend to our needs – whatever they are and however they are met.
So as I continue to learn about them, I will share my needs and seek to meet them. And in asking for some space, or some time to myself sometimes, maybe I will be sharing with you the value of being able to ask – and the importance of meeting a need for yourself.
Know what you need, little ones. And if I can help you meet them, I’ll do my best to provide.
And I’m going to also keep tending to my needs too. I hope you’ll understand in time, that it makes me a better mummy to do so.
With love as ever
Your Mama x